Dearest Cousin,

Today I know we failed you.  Today we learned that you have left us, gone beyond our reach, beyond this world.  Now all we can offer are our condolences, tears and hugs.  We cannot offer anything to you, though…you who needed us most.

I find myself drawn to write.  And later, perhaps, to run.  To make sense of why you, of the two of us, is gone.  Why I survived and you did not.   Why my life now seems more “normal” but your life continued to follow a challenging and rocky trail.  Why I failed to reach you, even after you first hit real trouble, and we continued to drift apart.  Why I found love and peace while I watched you express your struggles through the voice you could find.  Why I just watched.  Why I did not try again.  Why I failed to reach you, to offer a hand to assist, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, or just to help, however I could.

And now it’s too late. Dearest cousin, I remember us playing as children, having dinners at your house, family gatherings at our crazy grandfather’s place…there was so much but now it seems like so little.  I remember hoping as we grew older that you would find your way.  Find your peaceful waters, your smooth path.  I hope now you have.

Dearest cousin, I’m so sorry.  May your spirit find a smooth trail straight to the heavens, where I hope that wings await.

s